Monday, December 17, 2007

In My Absence

I haven't written because I've been plotting my escape.

I'd have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids! For the past few days, I've noticed that my trunk was just slightly loose. Not loose enough to be comfortable--no, my cruel captors saw to that, you can count on it--but with just enough play that I thought it might be possible to wiggle free.

So I started leaning.

Oh, I put every ounce of energy I had into it. Whenever they weren't looking, I'd force my remaining sap over to one side in an effort to assist gravity. I figured if I could just fall the right way, I could roll out the front door on my way to freedom!

But my plans were thwarted.

Last night, they had guests over, and as they were preening me like some show dog that needed to be brushed before her appearance in front of the judge, they noticed that I wasn't standing up quite as straight as usual. One of them tightened up my screws, then wrapped a wire--A FREAKING WIRE!--around my trunk and tied me to a nearby door frame. He hid it really well, too, so there's not even the remote possibility that someone will notice this hideous constraint, this impediment to my freedom, these horrific chains that bind me to the horror that has become my life!

So here I stand. I put every ounce of energy I had into that escape plan. I'm weakening by the day, and there's no chance that wire's going to give. I guess I'm here for the duration.

2 comments:

Ubermilf said...

Look on the bright side. You could catch fire and take them all out with you at any moment. Including the cat.

White Spruce said...

über: That's a GREAT idea! If the whole place goes up in flames, I'll make sure YOU get the credit!